If you go to mass regularly (and most likely you already do, at least every Sunday and on holy days of duty), most likely you know exactly who each of these people are. In fact, you (and I) are easily one of them. But don’t forget we are laughing with each other here. After all, the most crucial thing is that we are in mass at all. So, without long talk: Which type of mass attendee are you?

1. After Communion Alex

After Communion Alex leaves right after Communion. No final blessing for him. No recessional hymn is in his future. His foot is on that gas pedal going down Church Lane at least twenty seconds before Father even finishes gathering all the patins from the extraordinary Eucharistic ministers. Despite disagreements, After Communion Alex does not really race out of mass – he continuously seems to be taking his time, but he leaves as casually, yet gradually, as a puff of incense smoke departing the thurifer. No one  understands why After Communion Alex needs to depart so early, but it is said that it is so that he can catch what occurs next in Sacrosanctum Concilium.

2. The Priest Groupie

The Priest Groupie *always* has to see Father – no matter who the celebrant was – to talk to him about something after mass. It might be to ask Father to bless a new sacramental from EWTN’s Religious Catalogue, or rather to get his opinion on the latest gossip out of the Vatican. In as much as Father can sometimes seem exasperated when the Priest Groupie approaches, he actually enjoys many of the conversations. The Priest Groupie is the opposite of Randy the Rusher.

3. Guzzling Gary

Guzzling Gary has a Communion issues. No, not an issue with communion – in fact, quite the opposite. You do not want to be behind Guzzling Gary in the line to receive the Precious Blood. No matter how much is left in the chalice, he will finish it, leaving none for the other parishioners behind him. Father has the same perception of Guzzling Gary as he does of the Priest Groupie.

4. Jersey Justin

You always know what team Jersey Justin is rootin’ for on the big day. Jersey Justin is always surprised when his athletic wear attracts the attention of his fellow parishioners. The Starter ocassionally has Jersey Justin in her sights (as long as an infant is not whimpering nearby – see below). Jersey Justin is often the third person out of mass, in quick succession behind After Communion Alex and Randy the Rusher.

5. Randy the Rusher

Randy the Rusher is the first person to leave the mass (technically the second, at least following After Communion Alex). Like a freight engine through a delicate spiderweb spun across the train tracks, Randy the Rusher is outta there. No kind looking or even sheepish waves here. As soon as the first chord at the downbeat of the recessional hymn strikes Randy the Rusher’s eardrums, he makes his exit down the main aisle, leaving a turbulent shockwave that sends Father’s chasuble billowing and that makes the prayer intention candles near the church exit doors to flicker in the ensuing gale-force winds. Randy the Rusher should not be confused with After Communion Alex.

6. The Perfect Parkers

The Perfect Parkers are *that* family. They have twenty-five children and have to take two Super Shuttle-sized vans to get to mass. They are dressed to the nines and have statuesque piety during mass. Approximately one-half of the Perfect Parker children will enter religious life or the priesthood. People want to detest the best Parkers, but they are genuinely SO. DANG. NICE. In addition to their outward perfection, they are likewise never judgmental (see, by comparison, “the Non-Nun”). The Perfect Parkers are the antithesis of the Chaotic Campbells.

7. The Chaotic Campbells

Bless their hearts. Kindly have mercy on the Chaotic Campbells. They really are trying. Look past the mismatched shoes (of the parents, not the kids [the kids’ shoes fell off in the parking lot]), Cheerios in the plastic bags, screaming fits, and an 11:03 arrival for the 10:00 a.m. mass because they forgot about Daylight Saving Time… and would have been three minutes late anyway. The Chaotic Campbells sit a few pews behind the Perfect Parkers, and for good reason: at the end of a long, nerve-rattling mass, you can only tolerate a hard plastic toy flung across the main aisle (and landing in the seat that had been occupied by After Communion Alex, who had at least already left by that time), a dirty diaper that fell off, AND a ripped missalette – all within two seconds – for so long. The Chaotic Campbells are the arch-nemeses of “the Starter.”

8. The Choir Boy Who Isn’t

The Choir Boy Who Isn’t is not in the choir, but as his name shows, he should be. He sings rather well, at least well enough to join the choir, but he sings even louder than any individual singer in the choir. Members of the audience who do not like singing typically silently judge the Choir Boy Who Isn’t. Moreover, just as the Choir Boy Who Isn’t cannot hear their non-singing, he likewise does not pick up on their silent judgment and simply keeps belting it out.

9. The Starer

Oh, boy. You know the one. The Starter commences every mass with a pseudo-smile on her face. The smile and accompanying serene visage will remain as long as she is sitting near the Perfect Parkers. But that smile turns into a furrowed brow if the Chaotic Campbells sit anywhere near her. Some may think that the Starter is overly judgmental (not nearly as much as the “Non-Nun” – coming up), but she is somewhat misunderstood: yes, she is judgmental, but her true problem rests with her inability to mask her emotions. If a child so much as whimpers a football field-length away, on the other side of the church, the Starer’s neck will gyrate relentlessly until her retinas find the poor brute. (Others in the same congregation heard the same whimper, but they have a better time letting it go and moving on.) The Starer occasionally sighs, or mumbles under her breath. The Starer LOVES the Perfect Parkers, the only reliable recipients of her conditional smile as mass goes on. The Starer is the opposite of Nice Lady.

10. Nice Lady

Nice Lady is the glue that holds an audience together. Every parish throughout the 2,000-year history of Catholicism that has ever survived has had a steady succession of Nice Ladies. Nice Lady is a living saint. If you have the privilege of shaking Nice Lady’s hand during the Sign of Peace, your hand will actually one day be deemed a second-class relic. Nice Lady always has an aura of sweet perfume, never gossips, and she has a warm spot for both the Chaotic Campbells and the Non-Nun (still to come). Nice Lady always talks to the kids of her fellow parishioners, and is incredibly encouraging. No one can readily tell, but Nice Lady secretly disapproves of both the Priest Groupie and After Communion Alex. She was once about to gossip, but rather smiled at them, and readily prays for them anyway. Nice Lady comprehends everyone but is surprised when people recall who she is. Little known secret: Nice Lady actually introduced Single Samantha and Single Seth to each other (you will meet them soon). But first…

11. Single Samantha

Single Samantha would be the best Catholic wife. She is eager and thoughtful, to say nothing of her personal sanctity. Moreover, Single Samantha has a big problem: she desires to start going to a mass other than the 7:00 a.m., because she never crosses paths with Single Seth (see below). Single Seth goes to the 11:00 a.m. since he stays up late on Saturday nights reading vintage classics from Chesterton and Benedict XVI.

12. Tridentine Travis

Tridentine Travis detests anything that has taken place in the Church since 1965. This is irony, considering that Tridentine Travis was born in 1985. Tridentine Travis does not mince words when it comes to the misdeeds of the Novus Ordo. Tridentine Travis inexplicably trails off during intercessory prayers extended to Saint John XXIII and Blessed Paul VI. Tridentine Travis will only attend a Novus Ordo mass if he has missed the four-hour drive to the nearest Latin mass given three states away. Tridentine Travis has really[ been known to turn his back to the altar during the Eucharistic Prayers in a Novus Ordo mass in order to not have the priest facing him. If Tridentine Travis, Vatican II Val, and the Non-Nun were to ever end up within a ten-foot radius, seek cover, because an actual armed issues is imminent.

13. Vatican II Val

If there are not guitars, liturgical dance, and the phrase “the Spirit of Vatican II,” then Vatican II Val is not there. The Starter really witnessed Vatican II Val nearly convulse upon hearing a priest using Latin during mass. Vatican II Val bought Father a tie-dye chasuble but was not able to give it to him after mass, because the Priest Groupie was talking Father’s ear off.

14. Beads Bernadette

Beads Bernadette means well, but she prays her Rosary throughout the entire mass. From the time you arrive for mass, you know where Beads Bernadette is. Praying the Rosary is a beautiful and amazing devotion, but Beads Bernadette’s devotional activity was once so pronounced that the altar boy had to ring the bells twice as loudly to drown them out during the Epiclesis. Beads Bernadette is very nice, second only to Nice Lady. Moreover, Beads Bernadette is public enemy #1 to the Non-Nun.

15. You

Thank you for bringing your own “personality” to mass. God thanks you for being there. No matter who you are, and whether or not you can quickly identify with one of these colorful “characters,” thank God that there is such a colorful cast in this communal liturgical life as we come together to give glory and praise to the Lord Jesus Christ.

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